One day, not too long ago, I went to McRonald's for lunch. As I plodded through the line filled with those seeking the Promised Lunch, I decided that I would like a Cheeseburger. Firmly planting My not-so-hard-earned money in the counter, I was given a cheeseburger, along with a strawberry shake. It was so much more than I bargained for. I sat down to eat it, and and decided to drink the shake.

When I had a sip of the shake, Earth itself began to shake. Everything around Me seemed to disappear, until I was alone with My Cheeseburger and My Shake. The ground was still trembling (though I couldn't see it, I could only feel it.)

What happened to Me next cannot be explained in any way, other than how I will do so.

The Cheeseburger began to unwrap itself.

Then it sprouted legs. And arms. Eyes appeared too.

Then it spoke. And what it said I will remember forever.

"Stop staring at me, you filty Human."

I was taken aback, as you can well Imagine.

"What is it you want, Cheeseburger?"

"That's not my name you little twerp."

This was not the first time that food disagreed with Me. It was the first time it happened BEFORE I had eaten it.

"Well, what should I call you?"

"I am Regina Screech, founder of McRonalds and disembodied soul. And I am also you. You are a wee snee. We all wear catsup. Now eat me."

I was dumbfounded. This solitary cheeseburger had been the founder of McRonald's and now She wanted Me to eat Her?

"Eat me or I'm gonna make you do it."

Still in shock, I had not regained enough composure to eat Regina. That's when she attacked Me, in all Her Cheesy Goodness. I was afraid, so I decided if the founder of McRonald's was talking to Me, the founder of Burger Kaiser couldn't be too far away. So I begged him to show himself thusly.

"Please, please, please, help Me, Mr. Baldwin. This Cheeseburger's trying to hurt me."

"Pansy," replied Regina. "Anyways, I'm Rex Baldwin too, so there's no use. I am the food that fills you up, and the meal that gives you heartburn. I am the burger of the fast-food chain called McRonald's." And then She bit My forehead. She was beginning to look tasty, and I decided that I would eat Her when She wasn't looking. It has to happen, because Regina told Me to. This makes it extremely necessary and integral part of this message of Cheesy Goodness. It will prove Me completely, totally, wholly, irrevocably, undeniably, irrefutably, irresistably, fully, entirely, and unarguably Right.

"Now that that's done, there's a few more things for me to do until you have to eat me, in all my Cheesy flavored goodness.

"The first is this," and she held up a mirror. And Lo, an upside down Burger Kaiser symbol had appeared on My forehead where Regina had bitten Me.

"This is the symbol of things to come. You are the Ronald. You are also the Anti-Ronald. You are here to destroy Burger Kaiser. It is filled with false burgers. Their shakes cause nothing but Brain Freezes." The way She said things, you knew when they were in capitolized.

"Maybe it'll be better if I show you. Drink the shake."

I did as Regina had commanded Me to. I took a sip of the shake and suddenly was sitting on top of the McRonald's Purple Arches. I was eating Regina. I had to eat Regina. Regina, you see, I had to eat . It was August 32, 2003. All of this really confused Me. But I knew that I had to eat Her... it was My Deliciously Cheesy Duty.

All the fast food restaraunts trembled, their stocks sharply dropped. They were transferred to the Fiery Pits of Bankruptcy that they all fear so much. I watched as the owners and workers ran. Armies of cheap plastic toys came filing out after them. Row after row, batallions of colorful, fun, flimsy killers came after their masters. Foodstuffs came too, eating the ones who once gave them over to be eaten. The miniature slaves killed them in a wide variety of ways, many of which were very gruesome. And yet, it all strangely appealed to Me.

In the midst of it all, I saw John Denver singing this song:

Leaving on a Jet Plane

all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go
i'm standing here outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say goodbye
but the dawn is breaking, it's early morn
the taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn
i'm ready

i'm so lonesome i could die.
so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

there's so many times i let you down
so many times i've played around
i'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
every place i go, i think of you
every song i sing, i sing for you
when i come back, i'll wear your wedding ring

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

now the time has come to leave you
one more time, oh, let me kiss you
close your eyes and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i'll won't have leave alone
about the times that i won't have to say

oh, kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go
but i'm leaving on a jet plane...

And then I understood everything. I found out then what Regina was trying to tell Me When She said "And I am also you. You are a wee snee. We all wear catsup. Now eat me." I was mistaken earlier when I thought that I should eat Regina. Now I have been told by Regina/Rex not to. This doesn't mean that I was wrong. It proves that I am Right. Trust Me, your Ronald, it's in the Mr. Giblets. We are all a part of the Condiments of Life. All is important, and everything makes everything else more flavorful. It makes everything so Scrum-diddly-umptious. We must become the Cheeseburger. The Ronald.

I first became the AntiRonald in order to fully become aware of the flavor in the slimy, greasy, bland burgers and then be the Ronald. We must do unto others as we do to Cheeseburgers. We must take a bite out of people. Mike Tyson truly understands this. This is why He tried to eat Evander Holyfield's ear. He, out of a true devotion for the Cheeseburger, tried to show us all what we are supposed to do. People only see the anger in the shrill voiced man. He is truly a Ronald.

I tried to send Him a piece of My ear to show him that I understands that He understands, but some of His "bodyguards" came and hurt Me. Obviously, some people with some very powerful Cheesy Goodness are trying to take away My Cheeseburgers. Oh, if only they'd see that we must eat each other, as Regina told Me. But for this, their restaraunts must DIE! I will see them all to the Deepest PIT of Financial Loss. I shall never forgive their Heartburn against Me.

I was also taught to read the Messages from Regina in Chicken Mr. Giblets, which are Regina's most blessed manifestation of Cheesy Goodness. Sometimes they talk to Me. The people who dine with Me try to convince Me that THEY are talking to Me, or that maybe I shouldn't accept the indigestion tablet from Mr. Cheese McBurger, what the Mr. Giblets told Me to call this other true Ronald, as they say that these pills are hallucinogens and that Cheese McBurger has a string of drug related arrests, but I don't listen to them. They are just jealous that they can't read the Mr. Giblets as I can, and that they don't know the glory of the Battle of the Little Plastic Toys.

Speaking of which, I will now share with you the prophecy hidden in the song "Leaving On A Jet Plane" by the late, great Mr. John Denver. THE Ronald as prophecied by the first eaters at McRonald's, his coming fortold by the Holy Menu that nobody can see right except Me.

Here it is...

Leaving on a Jet Plane

all my bags are packed, i'm ready to go
i'm standing here outside your door
i hate to wake you up to say goodbye
but the dawn is breaking, it's early morn
the taxi's waiting, he's blowing his horn
i'm ready

He's getting up for breakfast. Ronald, er... John is getting everything for his morning rituals into a bag. His toothbrush, his razor. Everything. He must be the first one to the Arches. He's in the car at a stoplight, and beside him is a taxi, who is likewise getting ready for the morning at the Arches. He's impatient to get the Cheese Omelet (cousin of the CHEESEburger). John is also hungry.

i'm so lonesome i could die.
so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

Regina (the She in the song) knows that she cannot go to McRonald's. It is Ron.... John's trip to make. He has to JET through this physical PLANE to get to the closest McRonald's. He wants to be with THE Cheeseburger, but Ro..., I mean, John needs to spread the message of Cheesy Goodness and the reality of no Heartburn to all.

there's so many times i let you down
so many times i've played around
i'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing
every place i go, i think of you
every song i sing, i sing for you
when i come back, i'll wear your wedding ring

He has gone to other restaraunts and eaten of the Cheese of Heartburn, but now he only thinks of the Cheesy Goodness of Regina.

Wedding Ring is very Cheesily symbolic. He wants to eat her Onion Ring which is, by the way, full of....Cheesy Goodness. It also symbolizes how they want to feed the world and get rid of Heartburn through feeding the Famished Masses... which is shown by the words We'd Ding Ring (Lunch Bells).

I guess Heartburn doesn't exist, so I guess you can't get rid of it, just tell everybody that they aren't really experiencing Hearburn. It's all in a lack of....Cheesy Goodness.

so kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

now the time has come to leave you
one more time, oh, let me kiss you
close your eyes and i'll be on my way
dream about the days to come
when i'll won't have leave alone
about the times that i won't have to say

oh, kiss me and smile for me
tell me that you'll wait for me
hold me like you'll never let me go
'cause i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go

i'm leaving on a jet plane
i don't know when i'll be back again
oh, babe, i hate to go
but i'm leaving on a jet plane...

You all understand what the Mr. Giblets tell you by now, so you will obviously understand the rest of the song.

Incidentally, Denver died in a plane crash. Which proves Me right. He foretold his own death. He will return to sing at the Battle of the Little Plastic Toys. At which time I will not eat Regina. It is something that I must not do, so forget about Me eating Regina.

You...will...forget..about...Me...eating...Regina. She...will...not...be...eaten.

I must indefatigably tell you that it would be unendingly, greatly, massively, enormously, highly, fundamentally, unconditionally, hugely, monstrously, very, very, very, very, very, very, very Wrong for Me to eat Regina. So I will not. It is not necessary for Me to prove myself Right, as Regina has already done so by showing you the Cheesy Goodness that lingers in the juicy chicken fingers that fulfill your deepest hunger. And the lack of ANY incidents of Heartburn. It just doesn't happen. Because Heartburn doesn't exist.

Oh yes, Burger Kaiser will pay for the Heartburn that they cause.

Those TV commercials for the medicine against Heartburn are just the plot of Burger Kaiser! They want more money from you to further the Heartburn that they cause!

So don't buy Heartburn relief medicines, because Heartburn doesn't exist.

So we cannot forget that Heartburn is just a creation of Burger Kaiser to gain increasing revenue. I will enjoy watching them die in the Battle of the Little Plastic Toys and the Great Bankruptcy. There they will pay for the Heartburn that they cause every day.

Now that you have forgotten that I once said that I must eat Regina... go forth and tell everyone that there is no Heartburn, that we all should bite a big chunk of flesh from each other, and that all fast food resteraunts but McRonalds must DIE. KILL THEM! Because they don't know the evils of the Heartburn that they cause. Which incidentally doesn't exist. But they cause it. But it DOES NOT happen.

Regina/Rex's Cheesy Goodness and Ketchup/Catsup be with you all,

OysteRONALD

P.S. I changed some of the names because I'd rather not get sued. But if I made a John Denver fan angry...I'm truly sorry.

I know the story's not well organized or made to look pretty on the screen , but it is as it came to me. It only took a couple of hours too. Time well spent, in my opinion.

I have a LINK:

Not a day has passed, and I have already found another page that proclaims the coming of the AntiRonald.


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